But who would be left to iron my Lord’s ermine?

The Daily Mail warmly grasped to its prim and powdered bosom the Lord’s Economic Affairs Committee report’s headline conclusion that recent immigration had harmed, rather than benefited the British economy. So did the Tories, which is a shame, because the detail of the report was more measured, saying there had been winners and losers and the economic effect overall was neutral.

Having said that, the report also shows how completely out of touch with the real world their Lordships are. Most sensible people would agree that there must be limits on immigration on grounds of space, rather than race. But anyone trying to get a job done in London tends to be pathetically grateful for the archetypal Polish plumber.

In my own bar and restaurant business I can’t remember the last time a British person applied for a job - even though we pay well over minimum wage with bonuses and service on top, not to mention a fantastic boss. Thank God for the army of Poles, Colombians, Brazilians, Bolivians etc etc who keep London fed, the buses and Tubes running and the offices cleaned – though we could do with a few less the traffic wardens.

I wonder how their Lordships would really get on if even half of these migrants decided to head for home. No-one to iron their ermine - or whatever you do to it, no-one to serve their tea and buns, no one to scrub out their nice little pied a terres. Hello – anyone at home? Look around you. If it hadn’t been for the migrants over the past decade (along with imported deflation from Chinese and Indian workers) the real weakness of our economy would have been exposed long ago – and you, my Lords, would be poorer and much more rumpled.

Phillip Oppenheim